LETTING YOU IN ... the destroyer of walls.

I was looking up at one of my wedding pictures when this photo was taken. I took a step back and recalled what I said I believed about love before I knew love. 

The sweet lies I told myself about the beauty of my independence, freedom, and solitude were not always lies. They became lies when I was ready to love someone.

I hadn’t connected with my husband yet and was living in a small- and I mean small- one-bedroom apartment in Nanaimo. It had charm. My kitchen was equipped with one pot, one tiny frying pan, one plate, a knife, a fork, and one small spoon. It wasn’t without the essentials. I had enough mugs to open my own coffee shop (mind you, they ‘lived’ in my car most days) 

Life was good. I played music for a living, wrote in my journal, and spent a lot of time at the water’s edge talking to God about pretty much everything. 

But my tranquil little cave was slowly becoming a prison. I was feeling restless and wait - lonely? Yup. My love of solitude was beginning to turn. I’m a fighter though; a champion, a conqueror of neediness!  "I don't need a man... pull yourself together "(slaps self)

 I told myself marvelous things and mastered the art of ‘creative communication,’ but I was having trouble with my delivery: even I didn't find my performance all that believable.

One night after playing at a local pub, I went home, stepped into the shower, and I finally broke. I was lonely; I wanted to love. I wanted to be known and to give without restraint. I was tired of having to be strong all the time. I wondered what it would be like to be loved by someone who isn’t too politically correct to help me feel like a girl again. 

There are places in a woman’s heart that begin to harden when the world around her says she shouldn’t need love.

My shower stall had become a confessional, and it occurred to me that fighting loneliness was like fighting a cold wind: it just gets worse.

So, I let it in. I looked God in the face, drew in close, and let myself feel lonely.  Steel and ice. The bitter winds I sought to control with a smile (and really good rock music) cut through me. It felt like Portage & Main - downtown Winnipeg - in winter.  All you can do is put on your parka and lean into it.  

It wasn't long before my carefully crafted, impenetrable walls began to show signs of decay. Letting it in was working. I started to feel again. Hope displaced isolation. A sense of value raised my expectations, and I knew I would know love: the destroyer of walls.  

That's when I met Ken. He doesn't laugh when I cry or resent my desire. The winds died down, the temperature rose, and when I arrived on the other side of the valley, I discovered a few things.
  
I have God, I need my man, and I'm not ashamed- go figure. 

Genesis 2:25
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.